harry fucking potter

hey girls

i watched harry potter today

and despite the fact that it got a 91 percent fresh rating for rotten tomatoes and the fact that tons of people said it was epic, it just didnt cut it for me, i really tried to enjoy it, i really did but in the end i stared in disbelief when members of the audience clapped when the credits rolled down

first of all, ill begin with some of the things that harry potter did kind of well

1. snapes acting

2. the terracotta warriors

3. emma watson's smile

4. dean thomas' manliness

5. the awkward hug beween voldemort and draco

apart from those meagre factors, the movie in general was horrible

im going to begin by questioning the style of warfare that would occur between people that can do magic

the wand is effectively a long range weapon, a spell can pretty much get from one side of the world to another

so why the fuck do the death eaters insist on charging at hogwarts

cant they just fucking artillery fire the shit out of it until everyone dies

later on in the courtyard area, the death eaters and the students are literally casting spells at each other from mere metres away, if they are that close they might as well pull out their dick and wave it around

its like using a sniper rifle against someone thats right in front of you, its just stupid

next, the wizards and witches all practically have an instant killing spell, the wand is basically a gun, bazooka, every fucking thing imaginable in one, the avocado kedavara spell cannot be blocked and is supposed to kill the person instantly,

then why the fuck do the duels last ages, shouldnt they last a second

can't the death eaters all simultaneously cast a killing spell and watch the bodies fall over?

no,, that just wouldnt be aesthetically appealing,

and what about the sword of gryffindor, it looks like a fruitcaking cheap 2 dollar prop from my fucking arsecrack

it looks so bad

you know if i was a wizard, i would just steal other people's wands, i would tie like 10 wands together

thus, when i say stupefy, it comes out of ten wards simultaneously..

did anyone think about that

huh?

and during the interlude, after the first battle, just before harry goes into the forbidden forest

why the fuck are people standing around looking mopey

if i was one of those students, i would seize the opportunity to fuck cho chang at dumbeldores office

( much to the delight of alll the moving paintings)

in fact id just be like okay fuck this, there are literally 300 death eaters, its quite amazing we got this far, lets cut our losses, ride a broom to hogsmede, hire a room and get it on

and also what i found incredibly daunting was that in the harry potter film there are tons of students whom are killed by death eaters, they are lying spreadeagled and scattered across hogwarts, that was rather eerie as it drew comparisons to the norway incident that occurred several days ago in where 80+ children were murdered. I have seen the photos of their bodies littered across the island and they practically mirrored the events which occurred in the film.

anyways the movie was a really big disappointment

and btw i want to marry emma watson

it really disheartens me that the harry potter films did not do justice to JK ROWLING'S literary masterpiece

"harry potter and the deathly hallows?"

more like "harry potter and the waste of time that should show more of emma watson!"

childhood achievements

hello fwends

i wasn't really a special child

even at primary school, i wasnt the star student

nor did i get amazing grades or win any contests

but despite my lack of accolades, i still did achieve certain things

and i gotta admit, i am kinda proud of them

so here we go~

a) one time at bandcamp, i mean school, my mum was driving me back and i really needed to take a shit. so i took a dump in the car and for the duration of the ride i had to stand up in order to not crush teh poo poo

b) one time i was sitting on the table with some other peeps and i felt like vomiting. so i vomited around roughly 5 liters of vagina syrup all across the table and i remember all the kids freaking out and trying to move their lunchboxes before my pool of vomit could get to it,

it was like a freaking tsunami, everyone was shrieking. all the meanwhile im just there attempting to look non-chalant

c) during show and tell, i was standing in the line to show off my first pube when i really needed to go to the toilet however i was too scared to ask my teacher for permission. and back in those days whenever we went to the toilet we had to take a partner. and my partner had no qualms on peeing all over my pants or clashng wands. so anyways i peed and the line of urine went down my pants and came out of the top part of my shoe and the kid sitting at my feet stared at the trail for a while then licked the juice

d) i didnt know how to grip a pencil for a long time so my teacher would attempt to rectify this problem through stickytaping the shit out of my hand onto the pencil. at the end of the day she forgot to take it off so i went home holding a pencil and i found it really hard to piss later on

e) when i lured five female grade twos to the toilets and showed off my pen license. as well as my pen.

what happened next is for me to know and you to find out.

f) in year 10 English, the fire alarm rang and i started screaming and toppling down tables and throwing shit at the fans, lol wait i wasnt a child back then

i miss being a kid, kids literally dont give a shit about what people think of them

as we get older we start to stay well within the constraints of our comfort zone as we are too scared to venture out in the unknown due to the fear of what people would say.

i guess it does help that the fact that "being a kid" can justify a multitude of frivolities but still

too many people dont do the things they want to because apparently "being an adult" is just tooooo cool.

the girl im currently stalking

im not going to lie, i stalk girls

whether its on facebook or real life, if i see an appealing girl i subtly attempt to look at her every chance i get, albiet facebook stalking is so much easier

eye candy tastes better than real candy at times

but they're nowhere near as good as minddcandyy.blogspot.com

anyways! the term stalking might be an exaggeration BUT

today, i expected the train ride to be boring, monotonous and stress-inducing

my day started off bad as this random woman placed her hand firmly on my back in order to push me further into the train so that she could get on

i felt like turning around and smashing her in the face multiple times

thankfully, i temporarily contemplated a future of lawsuits and blah blah

but seriously who the fuck does she thinks he is.

she has no right to touch me, i hate being touched,

then when we reached the next station, i had the fortune to be graced with one of the most beautiful girls ive seen in a long time

she was asian , wearing all back, had heels on, and roughly 165 cm tall

she had a thin nose, very slight double eye lids with mascara and she had neck-length hair

she was about 20-23 years old, possibly a university student

i think i love her

i feel as if i dont talk to her, im going to regret it for the rest of my life

bahahahahahahahahahahaha

i actually plan on taking her mum out for a nice salmon dinner and then never calling her again !

but seriously im going to talk to her and if you see this post disappear in the not too distant future then it just means ive been successful

but sigh the age gap could be like 2-6 years.

but its okay, im pretty mature for my age.. right? ^_^

DOROTHY MANTOOTH IS A SAINT

why we have to date fobs

hey guys,

we are privileged to live in Australia where there is an abundance of natural resources which can be easily relied on in order to fuel our economy

but there is one resource in which barely any of us have tapped into

human resources but more specifically fobs.

asian fobs

now i dont want to generalize

but a huge portion of the fobs you see infesting the various unis are descendants of very very wealthy families

im not talking 6 figures a year, there parents make 7-8 figures a year, they are raking in the yuans

there parents literally have cash lined around the edges of their ass

how else would they pay the ridiculously exorbitant fees that end up sourcing Australia's unique HECS program,

they indirectly pay for all our education

so grit your teeth and go out with one of them

although there may be language barriers, although they may be selfish and incredibly arrogant pricks as a result of the one-child policy

you can really see how the other "side" live

is the grass greener? is the grass tastier? is there a higher concentration of chloroplast over there? or perhaps, that field receives more photosynthesis?

and hey if your lucky, you may marry one of them and live life with financial ease

haha but guys im not promoting gold digging

life is all about accumulating as many experiences as you can

wouldn't that experience be enriched with a bit of rich?

and the small price you pay is your dignity,

a bit of ass-kissing and a perpetual need to satisfy their undying ego

why transformers is a metaphor for the Cold War

I recently watched michael bay's transformers (in which its budget itself is probably the GDP of Samoa)

and i cant help but draw parallels from this epic with the Cold War

The autobots and decepticons essentially represent the two massive super powers, the U.S. and the soviet union

whilst the humans are depicted as weak, near-useless representatives of a proxy nation in a proxy war in which the earth is the battleground

the transformers much like America and the soviet union have technology unmatched by the humans

they deal most of the damage and generally wreak havoc

whilst the humans are pretty shit, always divided and squabbling amongst each other about who makes the decisions (aka communist rule vs capitalist rule)

-have inferior and superfluous technology

but generally they serve their part and make some small contribution in the end due to sheer numbers and guerrilla tactics much like the Viet Cong in the Vietnam War

another factor that substantiates my claim is that where ever the two super powers fight, they cause a shit load of damage, the transformers movie neglects to reveal how many people really die from these colossal battles, if they were shown, the movie would easily be r18+

similarly if we compared the transformers battling with the conflicts that occurred in the cold war in both korea and vietnam, we can see the massive damage the superpowers inflicted during the proxy wars both economically and socially to the proxy country.

but as always since transformers is a hollywood film, America (autobots) triumphs over the evil decepticons (soviet union)

And optimus prime makes some epic speech that justifies all the violence they have enacted at the expense of their human allies.

once again, we can draw this from America's staunch belief that they entered various countries during the cold war in an attempt to save the people and protect them from oppression, when really it was to stem the spread of communism (defeat decepticons)

TRANSFORMERS, COLD WAR IN DISGUISEwhy

why its okay to date ugly people

for those that care in excess about what people think about them OR are very shallow

you probably cant fathom the possibility of dating an ugly person

i mean i cant, i mean imagine waking up staring at the face day in day out, or imagine what people would say when they see you walking arm in arm down a street. OH THE HORROR

but !

here are some reasons to substantiate my hypocritical claim of why its okay to date the Ron Jeremys of this world minus the massive penis size (btw ron jeremy is a really ugly pornstar renowned for his 10+ inch penis, sigh i wish i had a more intelligent audience)

-dating an ugly person is either a positive or negative reflection of your personality. it can remind you that you have either hit a low point in your life and that you must try harder OR remind you that you have reached a certain stage of enlightenment and knowledge where the appearance of a girl does not actually matter to you and you value more unobtainable things like an amazing personality. Consequently this knowledge can either embolden you to be better or serve to reflect on the fact that you are an awesome person.

-ugly people generally try harder, most ugly people are very aware of the fact that they are ugly, although they may be able to temporarily delude themselves and others through a myriad of lotions and potions (makeup and alcohol) all good things come to an end.

And the morning after when you see her in her natural state. your going to wonder, did i really stick my dick in chewbacca? Thus, due to their own knowledge of their downright fear-inducing appearance, they have to compensate by being 1. really intelligent (look at mhs, we're so fucking ugly but yet we're so fucking smart)

2.being a nicer person person, (ugly people dont have the right to be arrogant or mean)

e.g. ugly girl:kenny your a faggot. kenny:lol well, your ugly ... ugly girl:*sniffle sniffle*

3.being better at sports (look at wayne rooney) my god hes ugly.

Furthermore, ugly people are more likely to tolerate all your stupid shit because hey, they cant do that much better and have to settle for second best.

e.g. "honey, would you like to dabble in some sadomasochism" ... "okay, but be gentle" *sniffle sniffle *

-lastly, this is perhaps the most difficult concept to grasp but please do try.

if you think your good looking, why would you need to date another good looking person, i mean isnt your own appearance enough, arent you good looking enough for the ugly person as well.

do you get that? i certainly dont

but it explains the justifications of totally hotties dating/marrying total uggos

but then again, it COULD BE about the benjamins (money)....

brb i just saw my reflection in the toilet bowl and

i

cant

look

away

^_____________^

dealing with MY weight issues

it really disheartens me when i wake up in the morning, plop my feet on the scale and see that i havent gained any weight

it is truly heart breaking,

i mean do you people know how much i eat?

my dietary requirements consist of about 5 kilograms of steak per week, copious amounts of macdonalds

and to top it all off my version of "exercise" consists of vigorously masturbating to a serbian film

but noooo, even after all that jazz, my body just refuses to gain weight, it cant bear the thought of gaining weight

and u know what the insane thing is, i dont eat breakfast and bang, there goes a kilogram (im a fucking poet)

for the past year ive been hovering between 69 kilos to 71 kilos and i cant seem to get myself out of this trap

i just hate it, it seems that the only periods i can actually gain weight is when i grow taller

and seeing as i wont grow vertically any much more, i dont think ill put on any more weight

sigh i hate it when fattie mc fat fats complain about gaining weight

dont you know how hard people with skinny body types like ME have it?

dont you?

you know whats worse when skinny girls say they're fat, the next time a skinny girl says she's fat respond like this

e.g.

jessica alba: im so fat, look at my profile picture, ive gained so much weight

kenny: yea, why dont you lose a few tubby

jessica alba:.....

you'll be guaranteed to not get any rumors showcasing how much of a douchebag you really are.

anyways, for all those out there whom are "big boned"

the next time you big macs look at yourselves in the mirror, ask yourselves this, how would it feel like being a cheeseburger for the rest of your life, how would it feel like having only one paddy, how would it feel.

:( :( :(

i hate fat people

jewish people

hey guys

im sure some of you guys know that i have a deep interest in history

and over the years ive accumulated a certain degree of general knowledge of the history of most countries...well the important ones anyway

and u know what i find common in all ofl them

everyone hates jews

everyone persecutes jews

everyone makes jews the scapegoats

im not just talking about hilter and the holocaust

im talking way back, thousands of years ago, during roman times, fuckn ceaser

during both the french and the russian revolution

fucking egyptian pyramids bro

the majority of europe have ousted jews

jews, have had it rough for a long time

so i think to myself, why does everyone have it in for jews

why are there a shit load of stereotypes and slurs designed to further denigrate jews

and even in the modern century, why do people still attack jews

is it because they supposedly have a larger nose than everyone else?

is it because that so many of them are succesful, hardworking, contributing members to society?

well its simple, everyones jealous

everyone is jealous, that they're not hardworking enough or efficient enough to excel in every facet of life like jews are

they're jealous, cos no matter how hard they try, no matter how hard they attempt to get anywhere in life, they'll never ever beat their fellow jew

and rather than praise them for the myriad of benefits they provide for civilization

people's jealousy turns to anger, and these mere thought processes translates to violent actions

and various rumors are made about jews to further exacerbate the image perpetuated around them

its really a shame, how ignorant some people are

every single jewish person ive met have been friendly, courteous and admirable

and u know whats amazing, many of them dont seem to have a bitter hatred towards a certain race or religion even though they're ancestors have suffered under the brunt of their oppression for thousands of years

no, they forgive and forget their enemies descendants mistakes

israel, a nation that is literally surrounded by its arabic enemies is an economic powerhouse, they have a high human development index too, a high gdp per capita too

Jews, as a collective have contributed the most society, more than every other race and/or religion

and yet people forget that, people forget that the benefits we take for granted every day have in some shape or form been initiated through the mental and physical talents of the anonymous jew

not only do people forget it, they look down upon jews

it just goes to show how people are all faggots and would rather be bitter and hateful about the recognition of a certain demographic rather than to try harder themselves

the next time a hitler esque figure pops out and begins to breed hate, i hope people by then are intelligent enough to be cognizant of the fact that without jews, we would be a mere shadow of what we currently are

how to relieve stress

i know what you faggots are thinking

stop it

just stop it

we've had enough of your shenanigans

you cant wank till you plank everytime you get stressed

its not feasible, plus in this current economic climate tissues are not cheap

neither are bananas

but dw, i got some tricks up my sleeve guaranteed to alleviate some of the pressures of year 12 and/or professional life

numero uno: alcohol

guys well, okay ive got nothing, i dont drink alcohol, dont plan on starting it anytime soon

you know why? because i dont really relish the opportunity to get drunk, have sex with a fat girl and wear a lampshade as a hat whilst playing yu gi oh, it just doesnt appeal to me

but alcohol is used by like 95 percent of the population, so i guess it does work

but be mindful that, alcohol may have an unsurprising ability to make you more stressed

oh and also if you drink alcohol during childbirth, its really good for your kids

gives them super powers..

numero duo: clubbing

okay guys, im sorry but i still have nothing, ive never been clubbing before but my closest experience is the mhs senior social and yea it was fun, but clubbing usually involves alcohol, teosterone-seething alpha males and overly slutty girls with daddy problems, none of which was present at our recent social, so dunno

toi: playing computer games

lol, wow, i dont even play computer games

apart from plants vs zombies (which happens to be freaking amazing)

but whenever i attend the occasional lan sesh, its pretty sweet

the feeling of satisfaction when i penetrate my opponents skull with my metaphorical penis is close to euphoria

last but not least

quatre: sexual activities

i have to say guys that this is the most efficient and least time-consuming way to relieve stress

who cares about the feelings of the other person, i mean we're all so self-possessed and arrogant it doesnt matter right, as long as we free ourselves of our temporary stress, the emotional damage we imbue to our partners is irrelevant. right. for the greater good. for the africans

anyways, the truth is

theres no way to relieve stress, its always going to be there

better to harness that energy to facilitate future progress rather than to let it get to you

and do not

EVER LET IT GET TO YOU

okay ive done some fucked up shit when i was stressed

my need for closure has led me to engage in some frivolous activities

so im telling you now,

id rather you wank till you plank then to do something you'd really regret.

*a lone tear slides down his cheek and stops momentarily before descending even further, the boy carefully rubs his hands with this natural concoction and caresses his most vital organ, the night is young and for a moment, he can forget about his worries, his stresses, his fears, his expectations, but the moment never lasts long and the relief? ... only slightly longer